DECEMBER IS THAT YOU?? SOCCER MUM’S TRIALS & JAYDEN’S NEW SOCCER ACADEMY
Same Forest. Different Monkeys. Season 2025 Episode 12.
THE CATFISH THEORY
I’m in this chama — more like an officially sanctioned escape plan — that specialises in koroga, kuku, mbuzi, ng’ombe and everything that tastes better outdoors.
Being December, the Missuses know it’s time to punish mzee’s wallet. The December Multi-Entry Visa is issued:
No questions
Unlimited nights
Just Uber
Send M-PEPE 😉
Anyway — in the group we have Mhenga wa Group, resident storyteller and philosopher.
This week, he dropped a gem.
He told us a story connecting a dusty African riverbank to the freezing fjords of Norway.
“Human nature is the same everywhere, brother. Even where the water turns to glass and the cold bites the bones.”
A long time ago, Norwegian fishermen had a problem:
Transported cod arrived soft and tasteless at the shore.
The people started shunning Cod naming it the “dead fish”
One smart fisherman suggested…..”why don’t we wake them up?”
How they asked? The fisherman dipped his hand into one tank and pulled out a catfish!!
The fishermen then went on and added one live catfish into every tank.
The cod woke up.
They swam.
They fought.
They arrived better than they left.
The catfish didn’t kill them — it kept them alive.
Dead fish, resurrected, reborn.
And Mhenga wa Group concluded:
“Life will always put a catfish in your tank. Not to destroy you… but to remind you you’re still alive.”
Harvard didn’t invent catfishing.
Scandinavia just explained what our ancestors already knew.
⭐ SOCCER MUMS, JAYDEN & THE CATFISH SOCCER ACADEMY
Mokoro (mathe, mumzy, super mum)— this part is yours.
Because sometimes the catfish in your life isn’t a Scandinavian fish.
Sometimes it’s a new soccer academy that opened next to your estate.
Life is peaceful —
Jayden is happily kicking a deflated ball with the mtaa boys,
The mums’ WhatsApp group is planning outfits for the end of year tournament,
Track suits vs sneakers caps, hoodies, skorts….
But then there’s that one mum who insists on sundresses and sunhats…
And then her son Jayden arrives.
Jayden of the new boots.
Jayden whose mother whispers loudly in the lift,
“We’re going for La Masia camp… in Spain.”
Meanwhile, your son’s club is heading to Kiambu…
to play barefoot, “slightly overage” boys.
Home becomes a warzone.
Kababa refuses to go to training.
Throws his boots like they did something to him,
Stops talking. “Let me call Mama Tosh”
Mama Tosh is also melting down.
La Masia has shaken her household too.
“Toshy, what is La Masia?”
The boy looks at his mother like she skipped the entire 8-4-4 system.
“That’s where Messi trained!
Iniesta!
Xavi!
Yamine Lamal!”
And in that moment, it hits you:
The new soccer academy is a catfish.
Disturbing your peace.
Your wallet.
Your dreams.
Your motherhood.
Norway had catfish.
We have Jayden FC.
⭐ RASSIE THE CATFISH (A rugby story)
Rassie Erasmus runs a rugby program powered entirely by catfish theory.
A squad of 45 fully ready players.
All fighting for one jersey.
No comfort.
No entitlement.
No softness.
The Springboks don’t have a “team”.
They have a tank.
Every player is a catfish…
and every player is a cod trying not to die.
Any coaches dream
Bayete Rassie….We ni we ndzovu!!
⭐ SOCCER WORLD CUP DRAW — EVERY GROUP HAS A CATFISH
Football is the perfect catfish ecosystem.
Start with Africa:
Group A — South Africa
Swimming with Mexico and Korea.
Not easy, not impossible.
Group C — Morocco
Sharing a tank with Brazil, Haiti, Scotland.
Beautiful chaos.
(How did Haiti make the world Cup? Were matches played in in Kiganjo)
Perfect for upsets.
Group E — Côte d’Ivoire
Germany.Curaçao,Ecuador.
Tell me this isn’t a thriller. (Curacao is a cocktail no?)
Group I — Senegal
With France and Norway —
the perfect metaphor:
African wrestlers vs Nordic fjord fish.
Group L — Ghana
England, Croatia, Panama.
Three teams, one heartbeat — Ghana will be the catfish.
And the traditional giants:
Germany — cold, efficient, merciless
Brazil — flair meets pressure
Argentina — chaos but effective
Spain — rebuilding with fire
England — heartbreak factories
Catfish players to watch: (and you can add your own)
Cucurella — written off at Chelsea, now Spain’s lighthouse.
Ebere Eze — ignored for years, now Arsenal’s spark at 26.
As Mhenga wa Group says:
“Never underestimate the one who stopped waiting to be chosen.”
⭐ BUSINESS CATFISH THEORY
Catfish isn’t just in oceans and football — it swims in boardrooms.
Safaricom entering Ethiopia (2023–2025)
For decades, Ethiopian banks were protected.
Then M-PESA entered the market.
Within 12 months:
3M users
21,000 agents
Banking reforms
Digitisation wars
Parliament panicking
Safaricom was the catfish.
The entire Ethiopian financial system woke up.
Netflix acquiring Warner Bros Discovery (2025)
Hollywood giants shaking.
Writers scrambling.
Studios regrouping.
Pure catfish energy.
Moove vs Uber (Africa → Global)
A Nigerian mobility fintech forces Uber to adjust strategy…
in San Francisco.
Catfish does not respect borders.
2026 will belong to companies brave enough to invite disruption, not fear it.
⭐ POLITICAL CATFISH (against my better judgement)
Donald Trump inviting:
A sitting Kenyan president, and
His immediate predecessor
…to witness the DRC–Rwanda peace deal?
That’s not diplomacy.
That’s catfish geopolitics swimming through African waters.
America saying:
“Wake up.”
Kenya being positioned as mediator?
Ruto and Uhuru summoned together?
Pressure.
Optics.
Global signalling.
Even diplomacy has its Jaydens and cousins 😉
⭐ SOCCER MUMS — SEE YOU NEXT WEEK
Before we close, a whisper for the Soccer Mum tribe:
This week I spoke to a youth academy coach who showed me real stats about:
children’s diet & stamina
technical competence vs confidence (how the region you grew up affects this)
early signs of burnout
which academies actually develop skill
what you MUST watch for in January
The insights were shocking — and liberating.
Full breakdown drops next week.
Soccer Mum Edition.
Don’t miss it.
⭐ HIRE A CATFISH FOR YOUR SALES TEAM IN 2026
Every sales team has soft cod — good people, good hearts, comfortable rhythms.
Then five new hires enter…
and suddenly everyone wakes up.
South Africa’s rugby coach knows the formula:
Pressure → Depth → Performance → Freedom
Your organisation doesn’t need stories.
It needs a catfish.
Make SRA your catfish for 2026.
Let’s wake up your numbers.
⭐ WAS POLYGAMY A CATFISH? (an afterthought)
Our grandparents understood competitive economics.
A second wife wasn’t always romance —
sometimes it was:
resource allocation
succession planning
labour distribution
performance pressure
Sometimes the catfish wasn’t a fish.
It was a co-wife, a “step” brother or sister.
For safety reasons I shall stop there.
⭐ FANYA KITU (DO SOMETHING)
Life lesson: Pressure is not punishment — it’s renewal.
Business lesson: Growth begins the moment the catfish enters.
Sports lesson: Every group has a disruptor — respect the dark horse.
If today’s forest made you laugh, think, panic about school fees, or inspect your budget… tell a friend to tell a friend.
And if you’re new — karibu.
Here, the water always moves.
ORITI !!
Call us for chai:
👉 https://salesresourceafrica.co.ke/contact-us/
Join the tribe:
👉 https://substack.com/@kenneththimba
Hehehehehe... Catfish 😅😅😅 nervous laughter... Glad tidings.
Fantastic read! Keep it up.